|ATTN: Kofi Annan
In regards to recent UN policy:
Excuse me if I come across as brash, but I have been monitoring the progress of the UN for quite some time and it doesn't seem as though you ever accomplish much of anything. Countries still continue to proliferate arms. Treatise, mandates and resolutions are still blatantly ignored. Some of the most powerful nations don't recognize the legitimacy of your authority and/or your courts. AIDS still runs rampant in Africa. Genocide still goes unnamed in Sudan. As well, there are a slew of other problems to which I won't bother speaking. However, I think I have a solution to your woes. The UN could restructure itself to tackle smaller world issues. As these minor issues efficiently get resolved, the UN can slowly build international legitimation and authority. The first conflict I feel the UN should resolve is the general sense of isolation and hopelessness amongst the planet's inhabitants. Did you know that suicide kills more people every year than both war and murder combined? Obviously, there is something wrong with this picture. I don't expect that you will be able to please everyone, but if you help out a few lost souls, I think you will have more than accomplished something. This brings me to the point of this letter. I think that the UN, under its theoretical newly restructured charter, could as their first initiative find me a girlfriend. Now don't get me wrong, I have no interest in killing myself if I don't find a girlfriend. This isn't a cry for help in any regards. I am just lonely. I have been lonely for quite some time and the general method of meeting women, going to bars and pretending to buy food at the supermarket, simply doesn't work. That's why I am writing to you. You are held up by the strength of the backbone of the international community. As such, finding the right girl for me shouldn't be a task that you are incapable of resolving. The way I see it, this planet is full of eligible bachelorettes and your general assembly has access to all of them. All you need to do, is at your next meeting, make an announcement that there is a twenty-two year old American male seeking a female for a long-term relationship. My hobbies and interests include creating art, hiking, writing, reading and travel. You should also make note that I'm six foot tall, slim, of a mixed-European ancestry and as a student, I make less than $25,000 USD per year. After hearing my plight, I don't have the slightest of doubts that the delegates could surely find the right girl for me somewhere on this planet. I would greatly appreciate the effort and I am sure you would feel good about accomplishing something positive for a change.
Citizen of the World
259 West 12th Street
New York NY 10014